100% WHITE COTTON ELASTIC-LEG BRIEFS

Can we have some plain talk here about underwear?

There was a time when I wouldn’t have written about underwear.  There was a time when I wouldn’t have had a problem buying underwear.    I like 100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs.  There was a time when briefs meant something sexy. Now?  Not so much.   Lately, I wear 100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs that have  holes in them.  Is that holy underwear or holey underwear?  I refuse to darn underwear or anything else.

There was a time when I could buy a package of six 100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs at almost any store for less than twenty dollars.  Now it’s more than twenty-five dollars for a package of three.  I could live with that if I could find 100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs. 

Patootie

A few months ago I picked up the only package-of-six left at Target.  I thought they were white, but when I got home I realized I had bought a package of – let’s say decorative -- underwear.  It was like unpacking a box of mellifiore Venetian glass.  Not frilly, no, not even that.  One pair was yellow, one had flowers,  one pair was multicolored dark stripes -- across, didn’t even

Mellifiore Venetian Glass

get a break there, one was orange stripes -- granted it was pale orange, one was navy blue -- nothing to do with the Navy, 
and one, believe it or not, was a harlequin print.  I'm no clown!  

I threw them in the washer.  I’m still hopeful here. I don’t  care about the dark patterned or plain colors, but I probably won’t wear them under summer white capris.  Okay, so that’s  worth some thought.  I have my old white ones and this other colorful collection which even bleach couldn’t tame.  

I don’t  give up easily.  I ordered some online, but all I could find was band-leg briefs.  Okay, nice store, nice quality, 100% white cotton band-leg briefs.  They were soft after washing, comfortable when I put them on, but by noon the crotch was mid-thigh.  Back to the clown pants.

By the way, I just cannot call them panties.  Sounds like something for a two-year-old.  Briefs is misleading, too, with the advent of bikinis and string bikinis available in underwear as well as swimwear, but I’m comfortable with my definition of 100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs.  It’s what I’ve been buying for years.

Back to the computer, cheap place this time, but fast.  They want my money.  I’ve ordered two sizes, because I don’t trust their sizing.  On paper they meet all the requirements, except that they’re flowered.  The package comes and they look kinda funny, the crotch on both sizes being about six inches across, but into the washer they go.  I’ve marked each one with a magic marker, so I can tell one size from the other.  Did I say the flowers are all different  -- pink, green, blue, red, peach, and yellow.  Did I say this place was cheap?  They didn’t fit. Neither size.  I think somebody at the factory got the wrong pattern, or these were meant for kangaroos.  

  

Okay, I’ll go online again, but this time I’m going straight to the online web sites for the manufacturers.  Were they made overseas?  A question for another day.

This is a good place to tell you about  this wonderful man I met while we were both volunteering at a place that records for the blind.  Nicest man I’ve ever known, richer than Croesus, CEO, CFO, MVP, VIP, etc., owned a well-known underwear manufacturing company, a manufacturer I would like to go to for underwear, but they only sell men’s briefs.  I don’t know about the 100% cotton part.  When people asked him what he did (Remember this is a university town and they expect you to say something like, 'I'm in Genetics,' or 'I’m in the College of Arts and Sciences,' or 'I’m the football coach,')  he would just say, “I sell underwear.”  That was enough to make me love him, but we were both already married.

I ordered from Hanes and Fruit of the Loom, both excellent companies with quality merchandise.  Neither would list online ‘100% white cotton elastic-leg briefs,’ but they used the word elastic someplace.  I was getting desperate.

The postman brought me two packages today and they’re unpacked and in the washer now.  Let’s not call this success yet, but I’m zeroing in, so stay tuned.  If they don't work out, I still have a couple of white ones that aren’t holy yet – enough to wear under those white capris this summer.